(With permission from the author)

Since my job at ONR Europe requires me to travel extensively, I routinely see interesting english language conversions by the well-meaning non-english speaking citizens of our world. This list was put together over the years by various ONR Europe travellers and other sources.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Croatian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Russian Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Russian Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Warsaw hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

• English well talking.
• Here speeching American.

In a Estonian hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a hotel outside of Ankara:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Outside a Paris tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Portugese dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

In an advertisement by a Turkish dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Greece:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Greek monastery:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Romanian bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Moscow shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Morrocan information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

And finally...

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Cairo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Hope you're having a nice summer and
Cheers from London,
David